Playing Favorites

I am the mother of 2 small boys. Derek is 4 and Donovan who we call Dougie is 3. Having my boys close together is probably the best thing I could have ever done because they are so close. They do everything together. They play together and they fight together but they look out for each other. I often call my oldest my first love and he is. I had never experienced such an intense love until the day he was born. It was the first time I had ever cried tears of joy in my life and probably the only time.I so loved everything about being a mom. Feeding him, dressing him spending time with him. We had designated Sunday mommy baby day. We would go out have lunch and I would buy him something every Sunday and that was our special time. I love him so deeply that a year later when I discovered I was pregnant again I didn't know if I had enough love to give to another child. Well when Donovan was born I found out I did just in a different way.
Donovan was born 8 weeks early and he and I almost died together. I do believe the hardest day of my life was when I had to leave my baby in the hospital and go home with no baby. They told me he had a long road ahead of him and he would be in the NICU until his actual due date. Which meant I was at the hospital everyday for hours at a time. I would have someone drop me off (I couldn't drive due to the csection)early in the afternoon and I would stay until my ex husband got off work and came and got me. I got up in the middle of the night to pump because he needed my breast milk even though he wasn't there. I loved him so hard he came home the week after I did which was a full 5 weeks earlier than projected.
Everyone was partial to my older son and no one wanted to get close to my new baby including my ex husband (that's another blog) that I felt like I had no choice but to love him just a little extra.
Now I get accused of loving my baby more than my oldest a lot and that couldn't really be farther from the truth. I have a different bond with both boys. When Derek was born I learned how to love and when Donovan was born I learned how to sacrifice.
Now that they are older and more independent Derek will not let me love him the way Donovan will Donovan will let me hug and kiss him all day where as Derek is more like eww mommy please don't kiss me. Anyone who is a mom know there is nothing like kisses from your baby.
I look at Donovan who is my little Virgo and often wonder if my personality was so big and cute when I was his age. Derek is my Scorpio and on my best day and his worse day he is smarter than me. Ive come to realize this because he outsmarts me and his daddy often!
I don't believe I love one more than the other I just love them both in different ways.