Happiness

November is 30 days of thankfulness month. While I have so much to be thankful for I am so thankful real love has finally found me. I get butterflies in my stomach when he says my name. I blush when he looks at me and then he laughs and says look at your cheeks and I blush even harder.
It's been many times I wanted to walk away simply because I was afraid of my feelings and afraid of being hurt, but he wouldn't let me go. I'm thankful for that.
What I'm most thankful for is all the mistakes and bad choices that led me to this point. He often says he wishes he and I had gotten together before some of those other women he dealt with. But I on the other hand am grateful we didn't. I dated some real assholes. Even married one. I'm not sure who was the worst the jerk after my divorce or the last asshole I dated. I actually got pregnant by that loser. I aborted that baby and told everyone I lost it in a wreck simply because I envisioned him in my life for years to come and I just couldn't do it.
Truth is we did date a long time ago when I was still in high school. I was about 17 then. He says he wishes we stayed together but I'm convinced there were some lessons in life I needed to learn and he as well and we wouldn't had made it back then.
We have bad days just like anyone else but even on those bad days I wouldn't want to be with anybody else.
What I am most thankful for is the life that we have created. I am so looking forward to becoming a mother again and to be able to do this with my best friend is beyond amazing. If everything goes according to plan she will be born via csection on his birthday so if you are reading this please keep us in your prayers.

Wishful Thinking

While watching Keyshia and Daniel family first my whole twitter timeline was filled with tweets like "I want a relationship like theirs". Why do we always covet someone else's relationship? Today it's Keyshia and Daniel. Tomorrow will be Barack and Michelle and next week we gonna wanna be Bey and Jay. Honestly I can't worry about anyone's relationship except that of my own.
My relationship is not perfect, but none of the ones listed above are. Those couples in the public eye have good days and bad days just like the rest of us the difference is you won't see them discussing the negative and putting it on front street.
I have had people who have been in the same room as me and my man talk about how perfect we are together and how good he is for me. Well that's because I don't go running to my girlfriends complaining everytime he gets on my last damn nerve. And trust me there have been those days. I get on his nerves alot also and I know he doesn't go running to everyone and they mama on those days.
When you have two people who truly love each other and are committed to stickin it out no matter what you can build on that and cling to it on those days when you ain't really feeling each other.
I can say I have stripped down, bared my soul and made all my flaws transparent and he looked at me and said I'm not scared of you. He saw that I wasn't perfect and everyday wasn't gonna be sunny and he sticks by me. As I do him. Is it perfect? Hell naw it ain't its far from it. Anytime you have two people trying to learn how to merge their lives together and be one there will be bumps. Takes years to get that shit right. But we're committed to it and because of that we'll make it. I just realized we speak about 4 different love languages between us and that causes alot of misunderstanding and confusion at times as we are both showing love for the other in the manner of which we wish to receive it. How I wanna be loved and how he wants to be loved are two totally different ways. We'll work that out too. I can honestly say he's my best friend we talk everything thru.
If you put more energy into your relationship instead of coveting the relationships of others you can have that seemingly perfect relationship we see in the media. The type of love our grandparents had.

Moment for life

It's amazing how you can be over someone and not really get over what they've done to you. My last relationship, my ex told everyone I was delusional and there was no relationship. So I found myself questioning my new love constantly needing that reassurance that he is indeed into me and this is real not only on my end but in his eyes as well. I am fortunate enough to have an amazing guy who has no issue letting me know everyday as often as I need to hear it. So this is what it feels like to have someone say "I love you no matter what and I have your back"
Our biggest argument is whether or not we should live together before we get married or not. I say we need at least a year and he says we need to jump the broom before shacking up lol. Listening to my friends talk about their trifling ass boyfriends and remembering the bullshit I've been thru I'm thankful that things didn't work out with us 11 years ago. I'm thankful for all the bad relationships and seeing what love isn't so now I can recognize what it's supposed to be. We seriously wouldn't had appreciated each other if we got serious all those years ago. I rarely redate someone I've dated before but I'm so thankful I decided to give it a chance this time. I've found my thunder buddy for life *if you haven't seen Ted the thunder buddy probably means nothing to you*. Loving someone and having them love you back just as much. Amazing feeling

Green Eyes

"my eyes are green cause I eat a lot of vegetables. It aint got nothin to do with your new friend" I recently learned one of the most important lessons in my life. Misery really love company. I've decided misery cannot have mine tho life is going pretty well. I had these 3 women who I considered friends. They knew eachother thru me and from what I understand didn't really care for eachother like that. I have watched these women form a bond over their hatred and jealousy of me. I went thru a really messy breakup with someone that played out on social media. My exboyfriend is an arrogant pompous jerk who is old enough to be someones grandfather and clubs like he's still 18. He wrote this infamous blog about how he wasn't feeling me. Honestly he wasn't feeling me makin him grow up and act his age. The messiness of it all was the most humiliating thing I've experienced to date. Why would these women who are supposed to be my friends continue a relationship with someone who did that to me. He lives out of state so its not like ya'll can hang out with him. I can't tell anyone who to be friends with but if you weren't really friends with him until after we broke up and things got messy why are you friends with him now? Shit hit the fan when I started dating someone new. One of these "friends" is telling people I made up a boyfriend in my head. For what and to impress whom? I suppose I created his facebook page, added all those friends and photoshopped him in all those pictures together right? Then this miserable person proceeds to call me a whore via subtweet on twitter of course cause she's not as big and bad as she wants people to think. My response to this was "I'm grown and unless you're fuckin me who and what I do with MY pussy is none of your concern" This is the same chick who is miserable with her babyfather. She hasn't wanted to be with him since before her now 1yr old son was even conceived. She feels stuck so yeah I see why she liked it when I was with a man who treated me like shit and got mad when I found someone who wants to treat me right. When I confronted her about it she immediately backed down saying she wasn't talkin about me smh. Not so Billy Bad Ass after all huh? One of the other chicks is a loner. No one really likes her and she will suck up, kiss ass whatever she gotta do to feel like she's in the group and that people like her. She's completely spineless. One night she sat up on twitter at 3am and had a discussion about me with my ex where he told her he was only talkin to her and the other two chicks to make me mad. She then swaps phone numbers with him and they have a 2hr conversation about me after which they both come back and tweet how enlightened they were after talking. What the entire fuck??? Someone saw this and let me know about it and yes I slayed her ass in public view. In a totally separate situation someone I considered a close friend was growing increasingly jealous of my new relationship. She even once told me to tell my man he shouldn't be with me everytime she called because he was cutting in on her time smh. Umm we're young, in love and its a new love yeah we're together a lot get over it. She picked a fight with me over something petty and insisted on falling all the way out over it. Ok cool if that's how you feel. I posted a facebook status "I asked God to show me my enemies and I lost friends" it was true and how I felt at the moment. Imagine my surprise when she inboxed me and said "I know that status was about me and let me tell you something no one is jealous of your relationship". It all makes sense now. That fight she picked was because she was indeed jealous. Naturally I'm beating myself up all these fall outs back to back. What did I do wrong? What is my role in all of this? Then it hit me. I'm embarking on a new journey with a man who is not only my lover but my bestfriend and not everyone can go with us. Just like you have to prune a flower and cut weeds and dead leaves off so it can continue to grow I had to lose certain people from mine so I can grow. Yeah its painful but its necessary. Its life and that season of my life is over.

Nothing Even Matters

Lately I aint been myself because I met the man of my dreams. See his words are perfection he says all the right things ;-)
I know I haven't blogged much this year, but guess what ya'll. I am in LOVE. I'm talking about crazy can't get enough of his kisses, 2 minutes apart is entirely too long, I just want to inhale him love.
I never believed in love at first sight until now. Something happened when he pulled me into his lap and we kissed that night by the river, under the moon. We experienced an insane, unique connection most people only dream about but never experience in real life. I swear it was like something from a movie. He's amazing and I'm so lucky to have him in my life.
Craziest thing is we dated 11yrs ago briefly and neither of us remember why we stopped talking back then.
Now we're together and I feel as if the whole entire world wants to rip us apart. I refuse to let anything or anybody come between us.
Its kind of sad I've actually lost people I considered friends because they couldn't handle me being insanely, disgustingly happy. You would think people who care for you would want you happy and not question your actions. At the end of the day I really canNOT worry about their feelings or motives. What other people feel or think of me is really none of my business anyway.
I'm ready to crawl back into our little bubble, where its just he and I, our kids and whoever else we choose to let in with us on any given day. Everything is so perfect and easy when its just he and I.
I've learned 2 things here. One, when its perfect you can't put time restraints on what you feel. Just go for it. B...misery loves company and those miserable, thirsty, cumbuckets can NOT have my company. I'm busy my bestfriend wants to spend the rest of his life with me :-)

Mr Wrong

What makes a man already in a relationship look for a relationship with another woman? This seems like a pattern in my life. I seem to attract men who are emotionally unavailable. It would be one thing if they only wanted to sleep with me, but these men are actually trying to establish a bond or relationship with me. One of my friends joked with me a few days ago about being a boyfriend theif and she was right. I do sleep with other womens boyfriends. I always say "if he was my man he wouldn't cheat" and also "if these brawds would tighten up their game I wouldn't be able to sleep with their boyfriends" and its true.
Since January I have been celibate. I made a decision to not have sex because I feel like I have so much more to offer than my body. I almost broke my vow recently with someone I've known for a while. We've had sex before, but we've never been romantically linked until recently. He started coming on really strong and was pretty adamant about getting my time and attention. I started to take him seriously for once instead of viewing him as the occasional booty call like before. We made an agreement to get to know each other and just see where it leads. Well it finally came out he has a live in girlfriend. How do I feel about that? Well honestly I really don't care. He just put himself back into the emergency dick in the glass case category as far as I'm concerned. I finally really understand what JayZ meant when he said "when a good girls gone, she's gone forever" because now I could never take him serious as far as getting to know him and considering a relationship. I will say this ladies you gotta tighten up if u want your man to stay home, but also if you're like me and notoriously the other woman you have to stop that shit. Its women like me who make it possible for men like him to cheat.

Silly Bitch In Love

I know I talked about my most recent breakup in the last blog entitled Marvin's Room but I didnt really tell the real deal. I wasnt ready to tell it all then, partly because I didnt know how I really felt. I recently came to terms with my real feelings about my ex boyriend.
Last Monday I started recieving these strange text messages from a Rhode Island number. I dont know anybody in Rhode Island so it was beyond strange. This person claimed they were my exboyfriend. He said alot of shit only my ex and I would know about. I then figured out it was my ex. He had gotten a google voice account that lets you have an annonymous number to text from. He did this so he could text and harass me and if I decided to tell anybody he could deny it and say I was delusional like he had said I was about everything else. Those text brought on feelings I had buried deep inside and forgot about ever feeling. I run a blogtalk radio show and decided to finally come forward with my story.
The story I am about to tell here is not told with the intent to slander him or out o bitterness. I am telling this story because there are so many women out there who deal with married men and get painted as homewrecking whores and it is not always the case.
My ex boyriend is married. I knew this majority of our relationship.
We met on twitter and he came after me. He insisted I come be his date for his birthday weekend. He flew me out and took care of my accomadations. Upon meeting in person I admit I was not physically attracted to him, but I had prostituted myself out for lack of a better word and I had to go through with the weekend. I caught him in the first of many lies this weekend. He had told me he was 36 turning 37 and he was indeed 43 turning 44. I looked at his drivers liscense when he took me shopping and used his credit card. He also has a tattoo with his date of birth on it. I called him on it and asked what else he was hiding. He said nothing and I should had been done then but I was stuck there for 3 more days. We hit it off and it turned out to be an amazing weekend despite my earlier reservations.
Once I found out he was married and had been seperated for a year and a half prior to meeting me I asked him why he wasnt divorced and he said she lived in a different city and he just hadnt made the time to go up there and take care of it. I shoulda put on my running shoes and dipped right then and there but I didnt. Instead I said I wouldnt pressure him to divorce but if we get more serious he should take care of it.
In November I bust him in lie number 2. I always stayed in hotels when visiting him because he and his dad shared a house. He decided to take me home when I visit over Thanksgiving and imagine my surprise when I discover his mom lives there also and its her house.
Mom tells me she knows he must really love me. She can always tell when he is dating a woman but she never sees them. She has only met like 3 women he has been with. She also tells me how much she dislikes his ex wife and hates that his father still wanted to stay in touch with my boyfriends exwifes children. Thanksgiving is also significant because not only did I meet his family but his wife found out we were dating via facebook.
Around NewYears we were in the car listening to the Fantasia cd and he made a remark about her being a home wrecking slut. I was like wait im sleeping with a married man. This is where he tells me not for much longer, because he talked to the ex after she saw he was dating me she agreed to get divorced and it would be final around tax time.
Tax time came and went and no divorce.
When his father passed away in July and he asked me not to come I felt like his exwife or should I say wife was in the picture. I didn't ask any questions because I didn't want to bother him while he was grieving.
I came face to face with her a few months later in a way I never imagined. His phone rang and I realized it was in my possession. I've had his phone so many times and never went thru it before. That day was different. Like mama always said if you go lookin for trouble u will find it. I found it. Going thru his phone confirmed that she had indeed been in the picture since his fathers death and they were friends. What happened next I can't even begin to make up.
I got dressed and went to his house and rang the doorbell. She answered the door. I told her I was his girlfriend and she told me her name. Instead of makin a scene I simply asked him to get in my car and go for a ride with me. He had a few objections at first but I made it clear he had no choice and he got in my car. I drove him to a secluded area, which by the way he was afraid cause he didn't know where we were. I pulled the car over and asked a lot of questions. I knew the answers to these questions but I wanted to see if he would be honest. He lied and I knew he lied.
I honestly tried to forgive him and I did. Forgiveness is easy its the rebuilding after it falls apart that's hard and well he didn't try to work on rebuilding so it fell apart.
Before we broke up I cheated. Not out of anger or hurt but because its how Virgo women do. We will contemplate a breakup before we actually do it. Then we will sleep with someone else to break our connection to you and then we say its over. Well before I could say it was over his mother died. I made the decision to see him through his grief and not walk away while he was down. Well he asked me not to come to her funeral because he didn't want to explain our relationship to his family. What does that matter tho? Because his wife was there. That was the final straw for me. We can't be friends because of that alone. He totally disrespected me with that one.
We broke up on a Thursday night and Friday I was with someone else. Saturday as he's getting dressed to go bury his mother I was crawling out of another mans bed.
We have all done stupid stuff for the sake of being in love or thinkin we are in love but I'm glad to say I learned from my mistakes. This is my fault because I shoulda never been with a married man. See in my mind it was ok because he hadn't seen or been involved with her in over a year when we met but it wasn't ok. Never again will I try to make something mine that belongs to someone else.
I'm tired of him telling people I'm bitter when that's not the case. Truth is I was over him when I slept with someone else before we broke up....

Marvin's Room

On Christmas I had 2 missed calls from my ex. One at 3:04am and the other at 3:22am. I had deleted his number from my phone, but visual voicemail sent me a text message with his name saying I missed 2 calls from him. I called back, no answer so I text him and say if you need to call I'm up. He text me back saying he didn't mean to call me and it was a buttdial. Bullshit on the play right? 2 calls and twenty minutes apart? Everybody knows u only ass dial the last number you called or one on speed dial and also you cant butt dial on a touchscreen. I have a touchscreen myself. He then takes to twitter to discuss it only to be met by my baby sister in my head Najla who basically calls the bullshit on the play. He wanted to tell her why we broke up but she really wasn't interested in hearing the story. She and I had the most epic bbm chat while all this went on. She said niggas shouldnt get drunk and listen to Drake on Christmas.
I was told the next day he referred to me as the devil and said I was running around telling lies and how he never set out to do me wrong, yet he had prepared to go to war but changed his mind and was gonna let it go.
I honestly thought that Christmas phone call was gonna be an apology for the 5 day twitter rant and 6 page blog he wrote about me.
I'm gonna be honest that rant and blog hurt....a lot. I don't see how you do something like that to someone and then say you never set out to hurt them. I felt like he had been planning to do that and just needed the right reason to do it. He claimed I was bitter over our break up and set out against him with the radio show we ran together. Baically what happened is he got a big ego and alienated the people we worked with. They came to me with their complaints and I sent him an emailing detailing who said what. He immediately takes to twitter to talk about this evil email I sent and how bitter I was and the email was bitter. He posted the email I sent him on his blog and people have came back and said they couldn't find the bitter part in it.
Truth is by the time all of this went down and the email was sent I was more than good with the break up and really interested in someone else.
We broke up on a Thursday and that Friday I was out with someone else. If you follow me on twitter you saw "Novacane tweets" a lot. That's what he was, he numbed the pain. I don't know if it was because I was hurting but that was hands down the best sexual experience I have had to date and it definitely numbed the pain. As my ex was getting up to go to his mothers funeral I was barely getting out of Novacane's bed. I know its tacky but its the Virgo way. I believe our emotions are tied to sex and the best way to get over one man is to get under another. The more I slept with Novacane the less the breakup hurt. Don't worry Novacane is someone I have known for a while and definitely not a random. He's actually a good friend but that's another blog.
The situation with my ex got real sticky because I slept with him after we agreed to remain friends. The things that he said that night left me feeling confused the morning after and I felt like shit. The main thing that fucked me up was him saying "maybe this isnt goodbye, maybe we'll find our way back to each other". I knew it was over between us and immediately regretted that encounter.
So fast forward to the rant and the blog. I didn't read the blog because I knew it would anger me, but I was told what was in it. It was also brought to my attention any and everybody who would listen has heard all kinds of personal details of our relationship and break up.
I'm not gonna address what was said by him. We all know hurt people hurt people. He and I know the truth behind why we really broke up and we both know the truth behind our relationship and that's good enough for me. I know he thinks I'm talking about him but he's getting his info from a woman I was friends with who is mad because I talked to a man she was into. The deal behind that is she introduced him to me as her friend and he and I were attracted and hes the real reason I spent Halloween weekend in Atlanta. It later came out she liked the guy after he and I were already into eachother. So if my ex is not smart enough to figure out there is a reason someone who was once so close to me is set out to tell him my business now and wants to believe it that's on him.
Like I said hurt people hurt people. He lost his mom, his dad and his cousin and we broke up all in a short period of time and that has to be hard.
When I said I hoped his rant and his blog gave him closure I meant that, however I dont think it did. It did initially hurt that he would go to those extremes and if hurting me was the intention mission accomplished but im over it and im over him. I forgive him for everything. The breakup and everything that came after. Life is too short to hold grudges and be bitter. Im into someone else and I dont want him to pay for the mistakes of my ex so I have no choice but to forgive if I want to see a future with someone else.
As far as my ex goes I pray that he finds his peace and is able to move on. I also pray that he sees the people he considers friends arent his friends. Several of his so called friends have came at me with offers to fly me out because they wanna spend time with me. At the end of the day they read the blog and rant and said "he really loved her and I wanna fuck her so I can rub his face in it" I dont hate my ex and I love myself too much to play into that. I've moved on and I pray one day he does as well. The war he was prepared to go to was a war he started when he wrote the blog and the rant. Though I could totally go there with him, why air the dirty laundry of our breakup? I'm just not bitter enough to go there. For those who wonder why I dont speak out and address him, well thats too easy. It didnt work out and we're not gonna get back together. War with him proves nothing. Its better to just forgive...