I was having a discussion with my twin the other day. We are both 27 and have both been married and divorced. We both said we would never get married again. Me personally I feel like if we love eachother we don't need a legal document stating that. I would love to actually wear the dress and have a ceremony I didn't do that when I got married but I don't want it to be legally binding. I would rather someone spend their life with me because he feels like I add to it and he can't be without me. Not because he has a legal document saying he has to do so.
I now realize this way of thinking is because I'm not completely healed from my divorce yet. I am over the man and I'm over the marriage and I thought that was enough. I didn't realize I had to heal from the divorce as well. By me saying I'm opposed to marriage I could be potentially making another man pay for the mistakes of my exhusband while thinking I'm completely healed. I understand all men are not the same and there are good ones out there. I know I wouldn't wanna pay for the mistakes of another woman so its not fair to make someone pay for the mistakes of my ex as well.
Now that I understand that line of thinking was dead wrong I pray that I am able to overcome my fears so that I may love and trust completely. No rush tho I am a work in progress
Friday, December 24, 2010
Saturday, December 11, 2010
Loves Taken Over
So I've only ever been in love once before and I'm not sure that was real but I'm in love now and its real. When I'm with him people stop and stare and tell me how great we are together. Its so obvious that everyone around us can tell.
I remember being exhausted after a 12hr trip on different planes to get to him. I took a shower tied my hair up and went to bed and he watched Sunday night football.I was sleeping and woke up cause I felt him staring at me. When I looked at him the look in his eyes were so telling of his feelings that no words were needed. That's the moment I knew it was real. They say every couple has that one moment when you know you've found the one. The moment you want to live in forever and never end. I believe that was our moment. Me in my pink durag sleeping and the look in his eyes when I looked up at him. When I catch him looking at me with that look in his eyes it sends chills up my spine every time.
Its so hard being so far away sometimes...well all the time. Neither of us are what you call very emotionally expressive people. I'm working on this and make conscious effort to tell him my feelings. Its hard to know where u stand when you're dealing with someone like this. Its very hard to feel secure. I struggled with this until recently. I realize now that my insecurities were in fact not him at all. My insecurities were me. I really wanted any excuse to run the opposite way and not feel. Not feeling means not getting hurt. I think that's natural to feel that way after you have been hurt alot. When I sit and think about it I have no reason to feel insecure in the relationship if anything I should feel very secure. Everybody loves different and just because they don't love like you do doesn't mean they don't love. I realize I can come off as cold, distant inconsiderate and as if I don't care when I really do. I realize this and try to vocalize it because if I don't say it my actions may not always show it. On the other hand he has done nothing but show me where I stand with him and let me completely in his life in all areas. I was indeed tripping.
Love is not an emotion love is in fact a choice. Just like you choose to love someone when they are making you feel great, when loving them is easy. You have to choose to love that person when they are unlovable and at their worst. Loving someone when they are at their worst is no easy task. That's the hard part of loving someone. That's the part where people give up and walk away. Love is something you give freely and not for it to be reciprocated back.
Ive decided to stop tripping and let it be.
I remember being exhausted after a 12hr trip on different planes to get to him. I took a shower tied my hair up and went to bed and he watched Sunday night football.I was sleeping and woke up cause I felt him staring at me. When I looked at him the look in his eyes were so telling of his feelings that no words were needed. That's the moment I knew it was real. They say every couple has that one moment when you know you've found the one. The moment you want to live in forever and never end. I believe that was our moment. Me in my pink durag sleeping and the look in his eyes when I looked up at him. When I catch him looking at me with that look in his eyes it sends chills up my spine every time.
Its so hard being so far away sometimes...well all the time. Neither of us are what you call very emotionally expressive people. I'm working on this and make conscious effort to tell him my feelings. Its hard to know where u stand when you're dealing with someone like this. Its very hard to feel secure. I struggled with this until recently. I realize now that my insecurities were in fact not him at all. My insecurities were me. I really wanted any excuse to run the opposite way and not feel. Not feeling means not getting hurt. I think that's natural to feel that way after you have been hurt alot. When I sit and think about it I have no reason to feel insecure in the relationship if anything I should feel very secure. Everybody loves different and just because they don't love like you do doesn't mean they don't love. I realize I can come off as cold, distant inconsiderate and as if I don't care when I really do. I realize this and try to vocalize it because if I don't say it my actions may not always show it. On the other hand he has done nothing but show me where I stand with him and let me completely in his life in all areas. I was indeed tripping.
Love is not an emotion love is in fact a choice. Just like you choose to love someone when they are making you feel great, when loving them is easy. You have to choose to love that person when they are unlovable and at their worst. Loving someone when they are at their worst is no easy task. That's the hard part of loving someone. That's the part where people give up and walk away. Love is something you give freely and not for it to be reciprocated back.
Ive decided to stop tripping and let it be.
The Flowers
"Now we're just a memory and its hard the think about it. About the love I left behind I cant help but think what could I have done about it. But deep inside I know its your fault that im not there. Once you put aside your pride I know you saw it so clearly that youre nearly losing your mind tryna remind through what you did and didnt do. So im telling you, you shoulda did so much more to show you love me.
Im wishing you woulda gave me the flowers when I could smell them and im wishing you woulda held me for hours when I was around. Now theres nothing you can do but to wish I was with you. But its too little to late, to late to press rewind to go back in time. Theres nothing you can do im no longer missing you. You shoulda gave me the flowers when I could smell them cause now im gone."
Its crazy cause it seems like alot of men I dealt with in the past all wanna come back at the same time. The thing is im not in the least bit interested. After I get over it im over it and I dont backslide. Ive only ever done the back slide once and that was the man I married so that proves that I shoulda never violated the no backslide rule since that shit didnt work out. I dont regret it I got my beautiful little boys out the deal and also the lesson that I dont backslide.
I was most recently in a relationship with a man for a year. It was a LDR and it only became a problem when I realized I was putting in all the work in the relationship. I really did believe I loved him but maybe in hindsight I didnt. Leaving him and putting myself first was so easy and almost completely painless.
The whole situation was ridiculous I feel as if I wasted a year of my life. He could tell me how much he loved me all day but when it came time to show and prove he always had some excuse why he couldnt. He used his mother alot of the time and thats when he did feel like offering up an excuse.
I dealt with it because coming out of the marriage I was in and the horrible relationship with the rebound guy who was worse than my exhusband he wasnt that bad. It was like ok so he never does what he says hes gonna do but atleast he doesnt talk bad to me or put his hands on me. Then it dawned on me one day that no he wasnt right breaking all the promises he made and I got over it and over him. I told him I felt like he would never have a real life as long as he took care of him mom and I wasnt gonna make him choose so I chose for me and chose myself.
Now he talkin about moving here and wants to see me when he gets to town. I really dont know how to feel about this because I cant offer anything more than my friendship. Ive moved on and im happy with someone else and even if that wasnt the case I dont backslide.
The sayings go you dont know what you got till its gone and you never miss your water till your well runs dry. Im not saying that Im perfect in relationships but you can ask any one of my ex's including my exhusband and they will probably tell you my little quirks were nothing compared to what it could be and has been with other women.
When you have someone who really loves you and you really love them, make sure you treat them right or someone else will and you will regret that you didnt.
Im wishing you woulda gave me the flowers when I could smell them and im wishing you woulda held me for hours when I was around. Now theres nothing you can do but to wish I was with you. But its too little to late, to late to press rewind to go back in time. Theres nothing you can do im no longer missing you. You shoulda gave me the flowers when I could smell them cause now im gone."
Its crazy cause it seems like alot of men I dealt with in the past all wanna come back at the same time. The thing is im not in the least bit interested. After I get over it im over it and I dont backslide. Ive only ever done the back slide once and that was the man I married so that proves that I shoulda never violated the no backslide rule since that shit didnt work out. I dont regret it I got my beautiful little boys out the deal and also the lesson that I dont backslide.
I was most recently in a relationship with a man for a year. It was a LDR and it only became a problem when I realized I was putting in all the work in the relationship. I really did believe I loved him but maybe in hindsight I didnt. Leaving him and putting myself first was so easy and almost completely painless.
The whole situation was ridiculous I feel as if I wasted a year of my life. He could tell me how much he loved me all day but when it came time to show and prove he always had some excuse why he couldnt. He used his mother alot of the time and thats when he did feel like offering up an excuse.
I dealt with it because coming out of the marriage I was in and the horrible relationship with the rebound guy who was worse than my exhusband he wasnt that bad. It was like ok so he never does what he says hes gonna do but atleast he doesnt talk bad to me or put his hands on me. Then it dawned on me one day that no he wasnt right breaking all the promises he made and I got over it and over him. I told him I felt like he would never have a real life as long as he took care of him mom and I wasnt gonna make him choose so I chose for me and chose myself.
Now he talkin about moving here and wants to see me when he gets to town. I really dont know how to feel about this because I cant offer anything more than my friendship. Ive moved on and im happy with someone else and even if that wasnt the case I dont backslide.
The sayings go you dont know what you got till its gone and you never miss your water till your well runs dry. Im not saying that Im perfect in relationships but you can ask any one of my ex's including my exhusband and they will probably tell you my little quirks were nothing compared to what it could be and has been with other women.
When you have someone who really loves you and you really love them, make sure you treat them right or someone else will and you will regret that you didnt.
Do You Remember When
When you're in a new relationship it seems like everything about that person is beautiful. Its all smiles and butterflies at first. They call everyday send sweet notes ask about your day and make you feel uber important. Then 5 or 6 mos down the line when she used to cook everyday you're now eating take out. Those high heels he used to love you to wear he no longer offers a foot rub.
You have been duped. You fell for that persons representative. I think we all put up a front when we're getting to know someone. Its only natural to feel the need to protect yourself until you are sure of that person and their motives. I have been guilty of using a representative on occasion myself.
I am a really laid back woman. I'm easy to get along with and very submissive in relationships. Its taken a lot for me to be comfortable enough with who I am so now I have no problem giving you who I am upfront the good with the bad.
So what do you do when u discover Prince Charming or Ms Right was only a representative and the real them is nowhere near the person you fell for initially?
Well now you have to make a decision. Is the person they really are that bad that you cant deal? Were you guilty of using a representative as well? Are they maybe disappointed in who you turned out to be. Sometimes the real person turns out to be better than the representative.
You have been duped. You fell for that persons representative. I think we all put up a front when we're getting to know someone. Its only natural to feel the need to protect yourself until you are sure of that person and their motives. I have been guilty of using a representative on occasion myself.
I am a really laid back woman. I'm easy to get along with and very submissive in relationships. Its taken a lot for me to be comfortable enough with who I am so now I have no problem giving you who I am upfront the good with the bad.
So what do you do when u discover Prince Charming or Ms Right was only a representative and the real them is nowhere near the person you fell for initially?
Well now you have to make a decision. Is the person they really are that bad that you cant deal? Were you guilty of using a representative as well? Are they maybe disappointed in who you turned out to be. Sometimes the real person turns out to be better than the representative.
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