Alter Ego

Recently I met a man. A man who I really became intrigued with. It usually takes a lot to get my attention I am very picky when it comes to men. Even pickier when it comes to relationships. I have actually sworn off relationships for now. Next time I give someone 2 or 3 years of my life is because I am gonna head to the alter with them or think that I can. Anyway when we met we had nice conversations and I found him very sweet and attentive. I had known of this alter ego he had although I hadn't personally experienced it for myself. I believe when I met him I was meeting the real him. We talked about things that you don't talk to someone with whom you are being just casual with. So imagine my surprise and confusion when the alter ego showed up on me and switched it up on me. The alter ego is extra cocky and he doesn't trust women completely opposite of this sweet, patient, and attentive guy who trusted me with some of his background information and a few life stories. That guy was so nice I was getting ready to erase all the numbers out of my phone and give him my time.
What I think happened was this guy was starting to feel me and he didn't like that so he had to switch it up on me in order to protect himself. Which is when the alter ego came into play.
Makes me wish I had an alter ego as well. Too bad I don't. I am a different type of woman and there aren't many out there like me. I don't have room for an alter ego. The real me is so complex. I can be what I need to be when I need to be and I am never fake if that makes sense. I can adapt to basically any situation. You can have real conversation with me, you can laugh with me also. You can take me to your work business functions and your boss and coworkers will be impressed. Ask my ex husband he is an accountant and used me to charm his way into quite a few things. He will tell you that. I can hang out with your boys and not only will they say that chick is bad but they will probably forget I'm a lady after awhile because I can hang with the boys. I can cook my behind off and get down and dirty behind closed doors. This is probably why I don't need an alter ego. I got too much going on just being myself!
Who knows though maybe he will put his alter ego up and give me a chance and we can really get to know each other.

A thin line between love and hate

I was talking with an old friends and we got on the topic of our ex spouses. This idea came into my head. The line between love and hate is so thin that if you have enough emotion to hate someone then deep down inside somewhere you really still love that person. Hate is an emotion that grows from a love rejected. Rejected because either that love is no longer being returned or because you cant be with that person for whatever reason. I used to hate my ex husband when we first split up. I hated him for a while before we split up actually. I dont think it was meant for me to be married to him but I do think he was supposed to be the father to my boys. I now realize that I dont hate him but that I still love him. Its a different kind of love these days. I love him for giving me a gift that no one else could give me. He made me the mother to his children. I am deeply madly in love with me two little boys. How can I love them so much and not love him. Afterall he is where they came from. We are bonded for the rest of our lives whether we like it or not. I acknowledge this and embrace this feeling and the hate was removed from my heart.
Having resentment for him in my heart doesnt hurt him it was only hurting me. Thats why I had to let that go. Dont want to miss out on great opprotunities because I want to harbor old hurt and hold on the old feelings.
It was easier for me to let go of those feelings because I wanted to. I am ready to fall in love again.

Why am I still single

Not too long ago I visited a friend who was tryna hook me up with her uncle. Problem is she and I are so tight that we are like sisters so her uncle would be like my uncle and it just couldnt work out. When I left she said he looked at her and asked "how is a woman that fine still single" When she called me and told me I was like I hear that all the time. There is a good answer for that one. Its by choice!
Most of the men I encounter either dont have the mental capacity to hang with me, they lack motivation or are just dumb. I am not saying that all men are this way. Just the ones I meet. Some of the tiredest come on lines too. This one I heard the other day had me weak. This man had the nerve to walk up to me and ask if he could be my boyfriend number 2. Now I looked at him and debated on how to respond. Should I walk away or mess with him a little. I went with the latter I kinda get off on the shock factor of surprising folks so I in turn respond "I dont have a boyfriend number 1 and I already have a f%^$ buddy so where would u fit in that equation" Then I smiled at him. He responded with so can I call you and I laughed and walked away.
Then I met a guy out a few weeks ago who was pretty cute. I usually dont give out my number but he said he was from detroit. I figured whats the harm. Well he lied or half lied. He is from Detroit but has been living here the last 7 years. I wouldnt hold the fact that he turned out to be 5 years younger than me against him if it wasnt for that. Now he is constantly blowing me up so I probably need to just say dont call no more so he can stop.
Im not even gonna talk about the guy who was tryna get me to shout my number to him out the window of my car as we rode down cane run road. I get this same tired crap everywhere I go. This one guy wrote his number on a piece of paper and handed it to my son. Told him to make sure his mom called him. Donovan ripped it up. Even he knew that guy wasnt about anything.
No wonder a woman like me is still on the market. My friends say I am too picky about men and I admit it. I know what I want and what I dont want. Not everybody qualifies so im not gonna waste my time on someone who cant even make the cut.
I am recently divorced so I have basically been in a relationship my whole adult life and so I am just content on doing me right now. When the right one comes along to make me want to settle down I will but he aint came yet. I like to keep my options open. Right now im kinda dating a few guys. They are very different and offer different things and maybe one of them is the one maybe not. Right now I am taking applications. He has to be smart, have personality, have a goal and a purpose in life. I plan to do big things with mine. Must like rollercoasters and comedies. He would have to be supportive and understanding. Looks are a bonus. I usually become more physically attracted to a person as I get to know who they are anyway. Plus I am what you would call a handful. I would consider myself a brain though I dont get to show people that part of me often. I am spontaneous, random and free spirited just kinda go with the flow. Never a dull moment around me. So I have yet to find a man who can handle all that. So with me its kinda like step up or step off. So im still on the market cause I choose to be.

You are what you attract

For some reason there was something very similar in the men that I seemed to attract. For some reason I kept attracting controlling and dominating men and getting into relationships with them. I do like a take charge kind of man but these men wanted to take charge of me and my life. There was the one guy who didn’t want me to dress nice get my hair done or wear make up. He told me he just like the natural me. Really he didnt want me to be attractive to other men.
My ex-husband wanted to pick out my friends who I could and could not hang out with. Convinced me that everyone was out to hurt me. According to him even my family was out to hurt me and it was his job to protect me from that. Truth is he was no good for me and was scared some of my friends would eventually make me see that.
Even though I met the last guy I dealt with singing background vocals on some of his tracks he claimed the only reason other artist were calling me was not really for background vocals and guestspots but to try and sleep with me. Now I know the truth is I was a better artist, a better writer and more creative than he is and he was jealous. Looking back I can see these things really clearly.
Yeah I kept attracting the same kind of guy so I had to look within myself to find out what the problem was. I suffered from low self esteem and didn’t even realize it. Yeah people always said I was pretty but I didn’t think so and I had always been successful in school but I didn’t attribute that to being smart I just worked hard. My mother used to break me down because she didnt know any better. Her mother used to break her down as well. My self esteem issues were the result of the generational curse but that’s another discussion for another day.
Women who suffer from low self esteem attract a certain type of man. Men with low self esteem. Those kind of men prey on women like that. Women with low self esteem are easily controlled because we are looking to someone else to make us feel worthy. Men who fall into this category like that because it makes them feel big to make us feel small. You will never see this kind of man hit another man.
So if u are dealing with a man who is beating you, cheating on you, isolating you and just controlling you that’s not a real man but a scared little boy in grown men clothing and you should run away as fast as you can. He has deep rooted issues that you cannot fix and will do you more harm than good.
If you don’t learn to love yourself for who you are no one else is going to and you will continue to attract the thugs and creeps. It took a lot of prayer and crying and talking to for me to get to where I am now. Now that I realize I am worth my twice my weight in gold and then some. The odds of that happening to me again is very low.