I Cant Get Enough Of You

A friend of mine was up late on twitter complaining about his wife snoring and keeping him up. I always thought he, his wife and their 2 girls were the cutest and I couldn't help respond to the tweet. I told him at least he can hear her snoring and to appreciate.
Made me think of my lover who lives 600 miles away. I would give anything to hear him snore in my ear every night. When we are able to be together his snoring never keeps me up. I lay up under him and go right to sleep. Being away from him for weeks at a time between visits makes me appreciate all he little things most other couples over look and take for granted.
I absolutely love the way he smacks me on the thigh when I walk past him, the way his eyes dance and his bottom lip curls when he gets tickled. I'm even found of the way he snores and how my clothes smell like cigarette smoke when I come from visits.
In relationships we tend to only love the good things about a person and get irritated by the bad. Next time your lover does something that irritates you take a moment, and think they could be somewhere else irritating someone else and not you. Appreciate them the good and the bad that comes with that person.
I love to hear my boyfriend snore

My Favorite Scar

Sept 4th 2007 is a day I barely remember yet a day I will never forget. I learned so many lessons in that one day. Everything actually started Sept 2nd. I was 32 weeks pregnant and I woke up feeling really horrible. My shoulders hurt and the backs of my legs were so sore I couldn't stand. My feet were swollen but that comes with being pregnant. Things got so bad that my mother and one of my girlfriends had to come over to my home and help take care of me and my 1 year old son while my now ex husband was at work. I could barely walk to the bathroom on my own. By 5 am the next morning I was desperate. I called the on call physician and asked her what I could have for the pain. She told me to just come on in and let her look me over. Derek and I dropped our son at my parents house and proceeded to the hospital. Upon examination they discovered I was in labor. Full blown labor. 5 centimeters dilated and 100% effaced. Which means my cervix had thinned out and was preparing for the baby to come a full 8 weeks early. We discussed my options and I chose to try and stay pregnant as long as I could. I got 2 injections of beta methadone in both hips to help mature the baby's lungs just in case he did come early and I got hooked up to magnesium sulfate to try to stop my labor. Magnesium sulfate made me feel like somebody set my body on fire on the inside. Once inside my room as I am trying to cool off and get comfortable the intercom goes off. I hear them calling all of these different doctors and specialist STAT. I looked at Derek and said "boy somebody is in a real bad way" Imagine my surprise when all of those people came through my door with all their equipment. They weighed the baby, measured the baby, looked at his heartbeat and a bunch of other things. They were trying to prepare me for if my baby was born early and I had never been so afraid in my whole life. I knew Donovan was going to have to come early because of this condition I developed during pregnancy called cholestasis. It affects 1 in 1000 pregnant women. Meaning my liver did not do its job at all and it spilled bile into my bloodstream and Donovan's blood stream. I was planning to get induced a few weeks later on my sister's birthday. For 36 more hours I laid hooked up to this medication that made me feel like I was on fire. It was truly a labor of love. It was determined the medication was not stopping my labor so they turned it off. At this point I'm 6centimeters dilated. I still planned to have a natural childbirth with no drugs even after this. Things did not go as I planned. After 40 hours my body was so weak I couldn't stand it and I begged for the epidural. I felt like a complete loser at this point because I didn't hang in there like I did with my first baby. It was wonderful to be able to get out of bed after giving birth the first time and I was looking forward to it again. After it was determined Donovan was coming and there was nothing anyone could do they broke my water to speed up my labor. My water was green which meant there was menconuim in it. Menconium is when the baby has a bowel movement inutero due to stress. So Donovan could had possibly swallowed his menconium and then I developed a fever. On top of that his heart rate would drop every time I had a contraction. My doctor came in my room with one of those this baby needs to come out now its him or you. I didn't even flinch or think I just simply said "lets do it" They gave me a spinal on top of the epidural I had already received then something to drink that tasted like battery acid, put a patch behind my ear and gave me a shot of morphine. At 7:01pm my beautiful blessing was born via c-section. Donovan LaBron Bell. 5lbs 5 1/2 oz and 17 inches long. I barely got to lay eyes on him and he was gone to the NICU. I remember being in the recovery room and being all doped up. Various members of my family came in to tell me they got to see the baby and how pretty he was. When my sister came in something came over me. I had such a bad feeling. I made her swear to me if anything happened to me she would love my kids as if they were her own. She teared up and told me not to talk like that but I just had this feeling something was terribly wrong. I was right. I blacked out numerous times in that recovery room. Couldn't breathe on my own for a while.We now know I was suffering from toxemia poisoning. Toxemia alone by itself will kill you. I had an enlarged heart, fluid in both lungs and dangerously low levels of potassium. Basically I was barely hanging on. No one in my family told me exactly what was going on. I had a feeling it was bad the next day when I kept begging to be with my baby and the staff wouldn't let me see him. One nurse said she had to stabilize me. I felt fine so what was that about. I wanted to just look at him because I didn't even know what he looked like. I finally got to be with him when he was 24hours old. He was so beautiful even with all the tubes and IVs. I was instantly in love.
They had blown all my veins and I had to get my blood pressure taken in my ankle. If my condition didn't kill me the horrible treatment I was receiving would. One night after being there way longer than the usual 72hr c-section stay I had gotten so fed up with the whole situation I sat up in my bed and I cried and I prayed that God would make me better so I could take my baby and leave that place. The next day I was better and I got to go home a few days later after more than a week there. Donovan got to come home the following week a day after my birthday. They say preemies usually stay until their due date which would had meant November for him but he was determined and he came home. My c-section scar is my favorite scar because every time I look at it I am reminded how fragile life is. Here today gone today. I try to now live my life everyday in a way that if I were to pass away that day I would die happy. I cherish my family I cherish my friends and I cherish every blessing God has given me. I am so amazed by my now 3 year old son. I look at how far he has come and how you cannot even tell he was a preemie he is all the way caught up with other kids his age and may even be a little more advanced. That year was a tough year on me. My dad passed away (Donovan looks exactly like him) and my marriage ended. Every time I feel as if I cannot go on any further I look at my baby and I look down at my scar and I am reminded that I made it through things most people cant imagine. I can get through anything.

Im Not Over You

I know I blogged about the tumultuous relationship between my ex husband and I before. I have a DVO (domestic violence order) against him. Here in my state they are really difficult to get and alot of women have died at the hands of ex lovers. Mine came with a no contact order which I have violated myself because I do have to share my kids with him.
He has begged me to drop the order many times once even bribing me by buying me tickets to a party the weekend of my birthday and babysitting the boys so I could go but I refused. I figure if so many women have a hard time getting one and I had one it should stand.
I had to move around alot when we first split and my kids lacked a stable home as we were just staying with whoever would let us stay for the first 6mos. If you have seen the movie Enough and remember how he stalked her and threatened to kill her numerous times was way similar. I kept waiting on the credits to roll and they never fuckin would. He played on my phone I changed my number. He broke into my car once so I sold it and got another one. I started seeing a guy casually shortly after we split he stalked him at his job.
I would go downtown to report him and they treated me as if I was the criminal when I would go in to make reports so I just stopped. I rented a house not far from my mother and lived peacefully for almost a year and he found me. He came while I was sleeping ate chicken wings and dumped the bones on my back stoop, dug up one of my shrubs and sliced my tire. 2months later I moved to my current address. I have been here almost 2years and for the most part no problems. I have had nightmares about him breaking in here and waken up in a cold sweat before. I know he knows where I live though. He works for the local light and gas company. My utilities have gotten shut of several times even though the bill had been paid and just a few weeks again another tire got slashed.
My domestic violence order is up next month. Its already been 3years. He has moved on with his life for appearances sake. He has even gotten remarried but the fact of the matter is he isn't done with me. One of his ex girlfriends said she left him because she felt like she lived in my shadow and like he could never be into her because he still cared so much about me. I know hes still in love with me because he harbors so much hatred and resentment towards me. After all the line between love and hate is so thin if you have enough energy to hate someone you still love them. I feel so sorry for his wife. Has to suck to be married to someone who isn't in love with you.
I don't really think he wants me back. I think he is just very bitter towards me for actually getting the guts to leave. The thing about him is this; hes a sociopath. He wanted to create this image of the perfect life with the perfect wife, the perfect kids and the perfect home. He wanted the image of the young black family living the American dream. Majority of our fights were because I couldn't live up to his standard of perfection.
I do believe he hasn't gotten over the fact that I let the world know he didn't have that perfect life when I walked out of the situation and he is bitter because he didn't get to decide when it was over. Hes not over me and the only thing he knows to do with those feelings is hurt me.
I pray for him that he finds something to do with his anger, resentment hurt and love but in the meantime since my dvo is about to expire I'm getting a gun and changing the code on my security system.

Then Theres You!!!!

2011 is a new year and im so excited about all that comes with it. The amazing guy I blogged about during the latter part of last year well our relationship reached a turning point in late November. We both realized it was indeed very real and after a series of talks we decided its best to take that leap of faith and im going to go ahead and relocate. I had talked about moving and toyed with the idea but it was really just and idea a big what if. I love the city he lives in. We vacationed there ever year when I was a kid and I always wanted to move there. I had actually looked at attending the HBCU thats there back in 2001. Applied and got accepted then got scared to be to far from my family and didnt go.
One thing I learned is Gods timing is ALWAYS perfect. When I met him I had just had a discussion with my mom about my relationship status. She just kept saying that it was time for me to date seriously and that my boys needed a positive male role model. She told me to pray and ask God to send me somebody. I was kinda seeing someone at the time it wasnt serious but I was getting to know that person and then I met him. I do admit I didnt expect anything serious to come from it at first. Just some flirting or whatnot. Then he wanted me to go to his birthday party and be his date. I was kinda hesitant at first when u meet your twitter boo then they cant be your twitter boo anymore. Plus im scary about meeting people from the net in real life. I finally gave in and decided to go.
I had really only planned to hang out with him and have a quick fling and leave it at that. When we met the chemistry was AMAZING but that first kiss is what did it. I will never as long as I live forget how amazing it was. Thats when it was no longer a fling.
Fastforward 5 almost 6months later the newness of it all has completely worn off and I still feel the same way. Its not only the sexual chemistry but I truely enjoy him. We have tons in common and we enjoy alot of the same things so we can hang out and have a really good time ejoying eachothers company.
Im so excited about the future and starting my life over and the move and everything that comes with it.

I Didnt Mean To Turn You On

I used to be an aspiring singer/songwriter/actress. I have given up on all this because it seems I cant seem to get very far. While I have talent the entertainment world is a male dominated world. There is something about me where all men want to try me. Im not drop dead beautiful or anything like that but i definitely sexy. I cant help it I have tons of sexy appeal about me couldnt turn it off if I tried and frankly I dont want to. With that said music producers always seem to fall for my type. Feelings get caught and I always shoot em down which means things end badly. I used to work for a guy at a club and I didnt realize we were in a relationship until he found out I slept with another party promoter. He said I was gonna have a bad reputation for sleeping with that guy and he no longer needed me and also recast my role in his movie even though he had initially wrote that character just for me. No I never slept with him and thats what the problem was.
I had another guy offer me a spot on his radioshow. After I accepted he let me know his interest in me was personal as well as professional. When I shot him down he locked my radio show and wouldnt let me on the air.
One situation the producer actually quit taking my calls because he had indeed developed feelings for me which I knew but I ignored him. Most recently I had someone do me oh so dirty behind me not giving him ass. He would only hit me up when he knew I was with my boyfriend and when he got tired of me ignoring him he refused to work with me.
I honestly just dont feel like dealing with the "little boys" so these days I only sing in the shower.