It Kills Me

I swear I love being a Virgo woman after all we are the most desired sign in the zodiac. We do have our downside tho. We tend to over analyze things, thoughts and feelings. Also we tend to be kinda nit picky. I'm definitely guilty of those things. I'm a really inviting person. If you spend 5 minutes with me you will feel like you have known me forever. Now while you feel this way I on the other hand, well I'm checking you out because I'm not open to letting everyone in. I have been told at times I come off as cold and abrasive in situations where I really do care. A lot of times its unintentional but its as if I have to be like that to protect myself from being taken advantage of. I get taken advantage of a whole lot because I am a giving and genuine person. Virgo is the peace maker and we want everyone around us happy no matter what. So I'm trying to work on being more emotionally expressive with those I care about. This is hard for me because I don't like to be in my emotions like that. I just had a semi emotional talk with someone and I feel sick to my stomach as a result. It literally makes me physically ill to have to dig in my emotions. That's also another Virgo trait. I've read about it before but I'm just now starting to notice that I always do that. Its like my nerves get bad and I want to throw up at the thought of being emotionally vulnerable to another person. Oh well I just wanted venting

His Mistakes

As many of you know I was married before and you know my exhusband and I had a physically abusive marriage. I was with my exhusband off and on again from the time I was 17 till I was 21 and we were married when I was 21 till I was 24. Because I suffered from low self esteem and I got with him so young I didnt know who I really was. Im a virgo and virgo women are naturally submissive by nature. We cant help it. It was very easy for him to come in and tell me who I should be. He told me who I was, who my friends were, how to dress, how to act, how to talk, how to live and how to be.
He treated me like an object I was his most prized possesion. He used to tell me all the time I was the most beautiful woman he had ever seen yet he would constantly tear me down and make me hurt. I see now in hindsight it wasnt love on either part.
I had a guy who waited for me to leave my exhusband and pounced on me when I actually did. He played to role of the concerned friend. In reality I didnt see what he really was. A predator. I got with him shortly after I left my exhusband and he was no better. Though he never hit me he was alot worse in alot of ways. I wasnt allowed to have friends. He hated all of them and made me cut every one off. I remember once trying to go out for girls night and he tagged along with us and was the only man. We would fight when I wanted to go out although he could see his friends whenever he wanted. We even fought over my choice in attire. I remember one time he made me have sex when I didnt want to and I was to scared to say no so I just laid there and let him. Im sure he noticed the tears that fell but he didnt even seem to care. He would always threaten to leave me and I didnt think I could do any better so I would beg him to stay. The last time he threatened to leave I just let him. He ended up begging me to come back and I said no.
I remember riding down Dixie Hwy listening to Mariah Carey's song Last Kiss. I cried so hard I almost couldnt see the road but by the time I got home I was over him and over the situation. Thats a day I will never forget and that song is so special to me now and always will be. Looking back in hindsight that wasnt love either.

It wasnt love with either of them because I didnt love myself. I can say that because at the time I didnt know myself to love myself. So I decided to do what alot of women will not do. I took some alone time for me. I dated a few different guys but I took a time out to really get to know myself because I didnt have the slightest clue who I was at all.

I never knew how sweet, funny, loving and giving I was. I learned that I am random and spontaneous. Not only am I beautiful on the outside but on the inside as well. Now that im in touch with who I really am I am ready to let someone in. I did have a relationship with a really nice man who is about 10years older than me for about a year after all of this. He treated me really good actually and we are cool till this day. I actually was in love with him but the timing just wasnt right for us. Didnt work out but maybe I wasnt as serious as I thought I was about him.

Ive actually taken from all those experiences and grew. Im not holding on to what those men did to me because that wasnt me. The girl who went thru all that is long gone. Im okay with being me and im okay with being by myself. I know that the next man should never have to pay for the last mans mistakes.