I Used to Love Him a tale of domestic violence

I used to love him but now I don't. Why do I look at a lot of the men I was once involved with and wonder what the hell was I thinking. Probably because I kissed a lot of frogs in search of that almighty prince. I even married one of those slimy suckers. Something a lot of people don't know about me is I am a domestic violence survivor. I married my college sweetheart and it did not end well. To condense the story down for the sake of this blog. He and I were kinda off again on again. While we were off I got involved with someone else. Both men wanted to get married at the same time and I had to make a choice. I married one and the other is one of my best friends. Doesn't matter who I picked I'm sure I would still be divorced. Anyway we got married bought a house and had a baby. When I got pregnant he swore I had been with the other guy. I had never been unfaithful the whole time we were together. I honestly think he just wanted a reason to fight. So we fought often. He physically abused me while I was pregnant. I remember a fight on my 22nd birthday. He got mad because my father came to my house and brought me a birthday cake for our birthday. Was a huge fight I was about 7 mos pregnant I got slammed into a wall and all my acrylic nails broken off until my fingers bled. To this day I do not wear acrylic nails. He forbid my relationship with my dad. Something that to this day I am angry that I allowed to happen since my father died 3 days after I left my ex husband.
We used to fight and he would take my baby and lock himself in a room with the baby and not let me in.
I remember the day my grandfather died we had a huge fight because I had been at the hospital with my family for a whole week and hadn't cleaned the house. If only I had kept my mouth shut and did the dishes and cleaned up right. In smart ass fashion I said if the house is dirty you should clean it cause I haven't been here to make it dirty. What was I thinking cause I got beat good that day.
I found out I was pregnant a few weeks later. I'm still not sure how this happened cause I was on the pill plus we were fighting so much I was not sleeping with him. I do not remember sexual relations with that man. I wanted to have an abortion and just take my one kid and bounce. I'm glad I kept Donovan because he is my joy.
While I was pregnant he disrespected me in any and every way he could think of. I'm actually missing a tooth from a fight we had while I was pregnant. I remember being in the car with him while my oldest was in the backseat and he ripped my top off and slammed my head into the car window until my nose bled and my tooth cracked. My son was screaming in the backseat.
I had my baby 8 weeks early and almost died as a result of the domestic violence in my home. That was my wake up call. What let me know I needed out of that situation. If not for me for my children.
I don't understand how women say they stay in those situations for their children. Your children are all the reason to get out. I have boys and I want to raise gentlemen I don't want them to think the way their father treated me is the way to treat women. I gave up a lot when I left him. Hes a CPA we lived in a big expensive house took trips and money was never an object. I didn't pay bills and had everything I wanted. We owned several rental properties with tenants in them. My mom used to say "That man is gonna make you a millionaire one day" She was probably right. We would of been rich and I probably would of been dead.
When I left him he stalked me my friend my family and any guy he thought I was dating. I remember one time he found me at the place I lived before I lived where I stay now and messed with my car. He dug up my shrubs and left chicken bones on my stoop I guess as a warning. I got in my car and he had tampered with my tire. Donovan and I could of been killed that day.
The effects of what he did to me are still there. He robbed my self esteem and feelings of self worth. Told me I was nothing and I believed him. Its still hard to stand up to him at times on behalf of my kids because in the past conflict led to violence. It as if I am still afraid he can hurt me an honestly I think he would if he could.
It was hard to get away from him because he had alienated me from all friends and family. He made it so I had no one but him. I had a good girlfriend at work who helped me take my babies and leave. I owe her my life.
As a survivor I know its hard to get out but I know that it can be done and no woman has to live like that.

Tell Him

Dang Lauryn Hill is talkin to me tonight. I sat down to blog about something else and started listening to Tell Him and got the inspiration for something else.
Tell him I need him tell him I love him it will be alright.

I recently got involved with a man and when I say recent I mean its not even 2 months old. Naw I cant really say its love but I can definitely see it going there. I hope it goes there. When I think about how everything went down I feel completely crazy. In just a split second he made me do so many unthinkables it makes my head spin. I met him on twitter. You do not meet potential mates on the net. That's what crazy people do. Within days he had me convinced to come see him. Now you definitely do not get on planes and go meet strangers. Only crazy people do that. So maybe I'm crazy cause I got on that plane and I went to see him.
I admit I was really skeptical and he was the sure one. I wanted to wait and see if it felt real in person. It did feel real. Was one of the realest connections I have ever felt in my life. I'm pretty sure that last encounter it felt like we were making love and not simply just having sex.
I have got to admit I am scared to death of feeling like this so fast and so early in the game. But life is short and I don't want to spend it afraid. My gut says go for it. I want to give him my heart I want to fall in love with him and whatever else come with it. So now it seems as if I'm the sure one and he's the skeptic. He has so many good reasons to feel that way. The chemistry we shared is not something only one person feels so if I felt it I'm sure he did too. If I'm scared I can only imagine how he feels. There's the age difference the long distance and I'm sure hes been hurt a time or two and there goes the room for skepticism.
Usually when I get with men who need me to make them feel secure I leave it alone cause I don't want to deal with it or go thru the extra trouble. I guess I have never care enough to even bother. Somehow I feel like he might be worth the trouble. So in two months he got my phone number, talked me into a visit, got my attention in an 'I only wanna be with him' exclusive kind of way and has me convinced to move away from my friends and family to be with him. I wonder if this is what God had in mind last year when he told me quit kissing frogs and let him send me a king? I wonder was he my last first kiss.