wow.....really

Today I saw briefly on the news a story about a young mother who suffocated her two small children and then pushed her car off a bridge. This woman then told authorities she couldn't save the kids and barely got out of the car herself. After further investigation it was determined she did murder her kids.
As a mother I find it very hard to understand how anyone could hurt a child especially one that comes from you. Everyone who know me knows I have 2 small beautiful little boys named Derek and Donovan. My little boys are all I have in this world and if it came down to me or them I would choose them each and every time.
I remember when I discovered I was pregnant with Donovan my marriage was a mess. I was contemplating leaving and I hadn't even gotten used to the one child I had. I didn't even tell my ex husband about the pregnancy at first. I told only my mother. I was gonna have an abortion and take the one child I had and leave. I'm so glad I confided in my mother. She shared with me her desire to abort my little brother because she thought she was to old for more kids and how he turned out to be the son she always wanted and how glad she was that she didn't do it.
After the heart to heart with my mom I finally told my ex and we agreed to try to work things out.
That was a really hard pregnancy I was sick all the time but somehow I enjoyed everyday of it. Even the days I spent in the hospital. I knew there was life growing in me and I felt honored to be given such a blessing. To this day that is the only thing I regret. I regret even contemplating ending that pregnancy.
The day Donovan was born a full 8 weeks early it was discovered I was sicker than they had initially thought. I was given the choice to save his life or mine. The same life I wanted to end 30 weeks prior I now wanted to save. I told them to do everything they could to make sure my baby lived. If he lived and contributed to society than I have serve my purpose in life.
As a mother you are supposed to choose the life of your children each and every time. I didn't blink flinch or think twice. I guess God wasn't done with me because I survived.
If I had to do it all over again I would always choose his life over mine which is why I cannot understand how this woman could hurt her babies.
Life is funny that way. There are women who would give everything to experience motherhood while others take that incredible blessing for granted.

Kissing Frogs

After several unsuccessful relationships and a failed marriage I couldn’t figure out what was wrong with me what I was doing wrong and it hit me. I was doing the same thing most of us women are doing. Instead of letting God take care of things and send me my king I was taking matters into my own hands. I was kissing frogs and praying to God one of them would turn into a prince. Problem is when u kiss frogs all you get is warts and I am entirely to pretty to be walking around with warts. Besides why would I be in search of a Prince when I wanna be treated like a Queen. Some of us sell ourselves short. We settle into relationships with someone just for the sake of being able to say we are in a relationship and then wonder why we end up so unhappy.Now I would consider myself a pretty good catch. Whatever man God sends to me will really be getting something special. I am attractive, talented, smart and funny. I can hold good conversation, im a great mom, love to cook and I play video games plus I can hold my own with the fellas if his friends want to hang out. So with all this going for me why haven’t any of my relationships worked out? Cause I kept kissing frogs and lets face it the frogs aint worthy. I am not bitter about the past at all. If it didn’t work out it didn’t work out and there is nothing I can do or could had done to make it work. Obviously it wasn’t meant to be. But for some reason after these men have walked away they always come back when they realized what they walked out on. I think that says a lot that every man I have ever had an intimate exclusive relationship regrets what was let go. Too bad for them I don’t back slide. Get me once shame on you after that its on me and I am too smart to repeatedly fall for the okie doke.The last guy I was dealing with had so many issues I needed a subscription to keep up. I had to let that go. He had the nerve to send me a text shortly after it ended and say “I think I love you what should I do” Now I am not sure how you go from loving someone to thinking you love them. He put his feelings for me in a song which I still have and really need to erase out of my itunes. Really good song but now that its over between us I think its contents were full of garbage. So how do you go from writing a song about how much you love me to just thinking you love me? See what I’m talking about....... issues! I wanted to tell him to get at me when he was sure and it wasn’t just a thought. Then I thought about it and realized I just didn’t really care anymore so I just let it be and didn’t give him a response. He then came back later telling me he had gotten a 6 figure record deal. I knew this was a lie seeing he wasn’t as talented as he thinks he is. I was then really pissed. It was like do u think im stupid a gold digger or both?I recently realized I would never be successful in any future relationships as long as I was holding on to the furniture I once shared with my ex husband especially the mattress on my bed. So I got rid of it all and started over brand new. That way his memory was not in my new place. This was my way of letting go of my baggage. Even though we are divorced and I have no desire to ever go back with him ever again, by holding on to his memory(stuff) I was holding on to the baggage of my marriage and divorce. Baggage will weigh you down in all areas of life and cloud your judgment. If I don’t want to pay for the last woman's mistakes why should the next man pay for what the last guy did . That’s the fastest way to make someone not want to get next to you. I love myself too much for that self destructive behavior. I can honestly say I have let go of all my baggage. I harbor no resentment or ill will towards anyone in my past. Letting go of baggage is different for everyone. Sometimes it takes a good cry and lots of prayer. For me it was getting new furniture. Besides my ex-husband was a frog I kissed in hopes of finding that Prince Charming we dream of when we were little girls.I am currently in search of my last first kiss but I am in no hurry to find it. Next time I invest in a man 100% of my support, loyalty, devotion and affection its will be someone who I can see going the distance with me. Honestly not everyone is deserving of that so he will have to be special. Besides if I invest my all in something I’m going to be looking for a nice return. That means I want his love support trust and fidelity.So my advice is this. If you are tired of getting warts then stop kissing frogs. Take some time and truely get to know yourself. Know your goals and what you want out of life. Take a good look at yourself and what you can bring to the table. Society right now is all about this independent women movement. But if you are so independent what can a man possibly bring to your table u cant do for yourself. Let go of your baggage and don’t get with a man who is holding on to baggage. If he is holding on to anything crazy run like hell. What’s the point in letting yours go to take on someone else’s? Should Mr. Right be placed in your path take things slow. One day at a time. After all if he is Mr. Right you guys have forever anyway so what’s the rush.